Blog Entry #6: The Drawing Board

After sleepless nights, more stress than I have felt in a while, and many refreshes of my email I have finally ended my first cycle of PhD applications with... nothing!

It's disappointing to fail at anything and academia is full of failure. Whether you're failing the right way (meaning you accidentally get something better) or not, it all sucks to come up with nothing. Statistically, I am disadvantaged at all asepcts of this and to have even made it this far is impressive. I say this to remind myself and to remind anyone who may relate to the cycle of failure academia causes. What this taught me is that PhD applications work completely differently than I naiively believed last year. Halfway through the cycle, after my applications had been submitted, I began to pre-emptively realize everything I had done wrong. But there was nothing I could do and in the end this cycle ended as I eventually came to expect - with nothing.

So what am I doing about it? Well, I'm putting myself through it again this Fall. At the beginning of this process I made goal posts for myself to know when to keep trying and when to give up. I am thrilled to report that I have made it to the goal post where I feel okay trying again. Hopefully I won't have to revisit this thought process next year. The biggest change is my scope, I have completely shifted my focus for my studies and plan for proposals. I'm keeping it vague here but I think I've come up with something fulfillinf and worth funding from the school-side.

For now, things stay as they are. And that's okay! I'm reading a lot and learning a lot while prepping a better and stronger application for the Fall. It does feel weird and like I am in a buffer zone but that's okay too. Here are two things I've been doing during (and after) the waiting portion of the application cycle that have brought me a lot of joy and helped me to remain level-headed.

Video Games

I recently played a game called CREATURE KITCHEN by the team The Rat Zone. In this game you come to a cabin in the woods on a dark and stormy night. You enter a kitchen stocked by locked and have to read hints, recipes, and a family album to learn what comes next. Over the course of a few hours you will be meeting the creatures that inhabit the yard, sky, and unknown while cooking them their favorite meals. The art is a 2000s-inspired polygon vibe with some amazing music. One of my favorite games I have ever played and gave me the cozy creepy vibe I needed.

Nature Walks

You know how everyone online says to touch grass? Yeah that's for a reason. Earlier this year I tried to reroute my stress and began going to the River and Wildlife areas of my town to photograph waterfowl and other creatures. I cannot emphasize enough what this is doing for my mental health. It has helped me feel more regulated emotionally and more satisfied with my weeks. I will hopefully continue this for a while to come and continue to find peace in it.